Pigs Might Fly - James Macpherson

FOR something made in China, Coronavirus is surprisingly good.

How else to make sense of the latest nonsensical restrictions aimed at stopping the spread of the disease in Victoria except that COVID-19 is the world’s first smart virus?

Premier Daniel Andrews and his quarantine of experts yesterday announced that it was safe for Victorians to shop at Bunnings but not safe for them to worship at church.

Communist China has managed to produce a disease that has it in for Christians but that leaves home handymen alone. Figures.

The virus is amazingly specific in its prejudices.

It has no interest in swimmers doing laps at a public pool. But it apparently lurks on fairways, lying in wait for unsuspecting golfers who spread it with their swing.

That the ban on golf particularly upsets golf-loving government critic Sam Newman just goes to show what a politically cunning devil this virus is.

And as of today the virus will no longer be attacking anyone between the hours of 9pm and 5am, allowing Daniel Andrews to remove the curfew just hours before its legality is challenged in court.

Not bad for a virus made in China!

If you march for BLM, Coronavirus couldn’t care less. If you march for freedom, Coronavirus will spread in less time than it takes police to cuff a pregnant woman in her pyjamas.

If you meet with four friends from another household in a public place, the virus will turn a blind eye. But if you are foolish enough to meet with those exact same friends in your backyard, the virus is suddenly aroused with lethal fury.

If one of those friends from the other household is a personal trainer and you start exercising as a group, the virus will find out. And the virus will try to kill you.

But if you send two of those friends away, the virus will be placated and will allow you to hold your fitness session without striking you down.

Understand though that if for any reason you exercise more than 5km from home or for more than two hours – all bets are off.

The virus doesn’t go to public playgrounds. It used to; but it doesn’t anymore. It still loiters at skate parks though.

COVID-19 will try to infect you if you inspect a display home but, for reasons unknown, it will give you a 15 minute head start. This explains why, under Victoria’s COVID-19 lock down laws, you are permitted to inspect a home for 15 minutes but not for 16 minutes.

The Chinese-made smart-virus not only tells the time, it can differentiate between animal grooming and human grooming.

It can also tell the difference between government workers and private contractors, though this is hardly a boast since even children know that the government workers are the ones standing around idle.

Weirdly, COVID-19 knows to leave union-controlled construction sites alone.

It also knows the date.

Coronavirus has no argument with you visiting the grave site of a departed loved one to mark a birthday or anniversary. But COVID-19 has access to your calendar. If you visit that same grave site on a date that does not coincide with a key milestone, it knows. And it’s not happy.

Clever virus. Stupid Premier.

James Macpherson is a sought after international speaker with a background in journalism at the Courier Mail and Daily Telegraph. He previously pastored a significant church in Australia and South Africa. James' weekly Good Sauce podcast comes out every Tuesday. He also writes regularly for The Spectator.

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