AMERICA’S mayors this week backed a national call for reparations to black people, a program that could cost taxpayers $6.2 quadrillion.
The U.S. Conference of Mayors released a letter Monday backing a Democratic plan to form a reparations commission to come up with a payment for slavery.
The Washington Examiner reported that the issue of reparations had been raised afresh in response to the Black Lives Matter movement.
“Long at the centre of the debate has been the potential price tag of paying slavery descendants, for which studies broadly include most or all of the 41 million black people in the country.”
The paper quoted a new study by three college professors that said the ultimate cost could be $6.2 quadrillion.
For those who don’t know what a quadrillion looks like, here you go:
The study – which calculated unpaid hours that slaves worked as well as a price for massacres and discrimination and then added interest – suggests a payment of $151 million to every African American. The cost to whites would be $18.96 million per person.
[Editor’s note: Everything above is true and sourced. What follows below is actual satire.]
But another study – based on looting during the “Black Lives Matter” protests – suggested that cigarettes, a 60″ flat screen, Jordan’s, and some Apple products would be sufficient reparations for some.
The Jewish community backed the proposal and issued their own reparation bill for 100 quadrillion gazillion dollars. But this was immediately dismissed by self-described anti-racists as, “Just more victimhood by money-hungry Jews.”
It is believed Irish Americans, many of whom claim their ancestors worked as slaves, are expected to launch their own reparation claim. A spokesman said they would be happy to be paid in pints of Guinness.
“And since we are just making stuff up,” the spokesman said, “I think a billion trillion quadrillion pints, per person, should suffice.”
Democrat spokesperson Lately Woke, whose pronouns are they/their, privately admitted no-one in the Party seriously believed the money would be paid.
“Oh we know it will never happen,” they laughed. “It’s political theatre of the first degree. But proposing a dollar figure roughly 72 times the entire world economy positions us to be able to act appalled when it’s ultimately shot down.”
“This proposal costs us absolutely nothing but dangles the empty promise of a fortune in front of every vote we want to buy.”
Responding to the charge that Democrats were “completely unserious people who should be wholly dismissed”, Lately said: “We should not wholly dismissed.”
A spokesman for Normal People, an oppressed group being systematically hunted down and cancelled throughout America, said the idea of paying reparations was unfair.
“You cannot demand people who never owned slaves, pay money to people who never were slaves, to punish them for people in the past,” he said. “It’s unethical and it’s racist.”
When his comments were reported by local media his employer fired him from his job and a group of mostly peaceful protestors burned down his house.
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James Macpherson is a sought after international speaker with a background in journalism at the Courier Mail and Daily Telegraph. He previously pastored a significant church in Australia and South Africa. James' weekly Good Sauce podcast comes out every Tuesday. He also writes regularly for The Spectator.