WANTED: Envoy to advise Government on trade and to promote opportunities for the UK in emerging markets post Brexit.
The successful applicant will have voted ‘yes’ to gay marriage and preferably marched at a recent Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.
He or she (or they, in the case of a gender-neutral applicant) will be pro-abortion, with special consideration given to applicants who have actually had one.
Experience trading in climate doom and gloom is essential.
The successful candidate must be able to endure a prolonged political squeal from a woman, without looking at his watch.
A dislike of blue ties and of Donald Trump are highly desirable.
Actual skills would be a bonus but are not necessary.
Silly Tony Abbott: assuming a role representing the UK in trade would require him to be an expert in trade, rather than an expert on diversity and inclusion.
Didn’t the former Australian Prime Minister know, when applying for a job advising on trade, that how he voted on gay marriage was far more relevant than his experience in trade?
He really is a dinosaur.
Only a knuckle-dragging neanderthal would imagine qualifications meant more than views. In 2020, correct views (by which we mean Leftist views) are the qualification.
How will Mr Abbott negotiate fabulous trade deals if he is not an LGBTIQAX+ ally? The simple answer is that he cannot.
Conservative UK politician Caroline Nokes told reporters:
“He’s got very poor views on LGBTQ rights and I just don’t think this is a man who should be anywhere near our Board of Trade.”
If that’s the standard then the Queen is not fit to advise herself. The Church of England, of which she is the head, still insists marriage is between a man and a woman.
Labour trade spokeswoman Emily Thornberry said:
“I am disgusted that Boris Johnson thinks this offensive, leering, cantankerous, climate change-denying, Trump-worshipping misogynist is the right person to represent our country overseas.”
What I think she meant, but was unable to say for choking on woke, was, she is disgusted that Boris Johnson thinks this Oxford-educated Rhodes scholar who, as Prime Minister of Australia, successfully negotiated free-trade deals with China, Japan and South Korea is the right person to represent our country overseas.
Her Labour Leader, Sir Keir Starmer, told Sky News:
“I don’t think he’s the right person for the job and if I was the Prime Minister I wouldn’t appoint him.”
Then again, Sir Keir had no concerns about Jeremy Corbyn, so as a judge of character he makes a very fine Opposition leader – and likely will for many years to come.
First Minister of Scotland, Nicola Sturgen, told Sky News, “If I had anything to do with that decision he wouldn’t be a trade envoy,” by which she meant as First Minister of Scotland she doesn’t get to do much.
Actor Sir Ian McKellen, of Lord of the Rings fame, said Mr Abbott ought not advise the government on trade because of his views on “abortion, climate change, gay people and women”.
He forgot to mention Mr Abbott’s views on Black Lives Matter, plastic straws, border control, the Brisbane Broncos coaching vacancy and strawberry flavoured gelato – all of which likely disqualify Mr Abbott from having insights on international trade.
Sir McKellen signed a letter that began:
“As committed equality and environmental activists, we urge the government to reconsider its proposed appointment of Tony Abbott as a trade envoy to the UK Board of Trade”.
Well who better to judge a trade envoy based on LGBTIQAX+ views than an environmental activist! Sorry, I mean a “committed” environmental activist.
You’d think Gandalf would have the last word on the issue. But you’d be forgetting a bitter character who failed to grasp his “precious” international role after leaving Kirribilli.
Kevin Rudd tweeted:
Just what you want as your pin-up boy for a modern, globalising, post-Brexit Britain: a rolled-gold misogynistic, climate change denialist, pioneer of 21st century knighthoods for the Antipodes. What on earth were the British Government thinking... https://t.co/bdrAeyOS79— Kevin Rudd (@MrKRudd) September 4, 2020
The answer, of course, is that they weren’t thinking of Mr Rudd.
Last night Downing Street confirmed Mr Abbott’s appointment as trade advisor. It seems actual skills and experience still count for something.
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James Macpherson is a sought after international speaker with a background in journalism at the Courier Mail and Daily Telegraph. He previously pastored a significant church in Australia and South Africa. James' weekly Good Sauce podcast comes out every Tuesday. He also writes regularly for The Spectator.