SATIRE (based on this true story): POLICE are considering dropping the terms “Islamist terrorism” and “jihadis” because such terms give Islamic jihadis a bad name every time they slaughter civilians.
Proposed alternatives include “people abusing the religion of peace” and “so-called” Islamic jihadists.
But activists pointed out that politicians had been using such obfuscations since 2001 without success.
Let’s Just Get Along spokeswoman Misty Eyes told journalists: “People still assume that Islamic jihadist attacks are being carried out by Islamists waging jihad, and that’s wrong because Islamophobia.”
She suggested police replace terms like “Islamist terrorism” with “a certain faith-based terrorism”.
“It’s a beautifully inclusive term which leaves open the tantalising possibility that the suicide bomber who just blew up your bus could have been the Anglican vicar, or even a nun.”
When asked if there were questions that needed to be answered about Islam and its compatibility with Western values, Misty Eyes responded with a moving rendition of John Lennon’s Imagine, while BBC journalists provided backing vocals.
Reporters from The Guardian and the ABC in Australia gave a warm round of applause and then asked if they could perform Somewhere Over the Rainbow before the press conference resumed.
Attacks such as the London bombings of 2005 as well as the Westminster, London Bridge and Manchester Arena assaults, all in 2017, have been officially deemed ‘Islamist terrorism.’
But UK Diversity Council chair Mustaf bin Jokin argued that this created the impression there might have been a common link between the Islamic attacks … like Islam.
“Whenever Islamists go around killing infidels the police create a negative perception by saying what happened,” he said.
“That the majority of terror attacks around the world are perpetrated by Islamists quoting the Koran doesn’t mean the public should believe that the majority of terror attacks around the world are perpetrated by Islamists quoting the Koran.”
Mustaf bin Jokin wondered why police couldn’t say Islamic terror attacks had been carried out by “adherents of Osama bin Laden’s ideology”, and simply pretend bin Laden was Presbyterian.
“Or Catholic,” he added.
Another suggestion was that police learn from CNN’s coverage of the Black Lives Matter riots and start referring to terror attacks as “mostly peaceful jihads”.
Instead of reporting that jihadis detonated bombs with screams of “Allahu Akbar”, police were encouraged to say witnesses heard shouts of “Woo-woo” and, where appropriate, “Yippee–kai-yay”.
Police Commissioner Max Confusion took time out from recording a new TikTok video in support of International Non-Binary Day to address the issues raised.
“I want to be very clear that being clear is not what we want to be about,” he said.
When asked if the public might object to being told half-truths about terrorism, Commission Confusion insisted that “this is why we have to be completely untruthful”.
“I’m recommending that we no longer refer to terror attacks at all, but instead say ‘the bus spontaneously combusted’, or the concert hall, or the underground metro. Whatever.”
He said he was not worried that using deliberately vague language to describe Islamic terror attacks would build resentment and distrust toward police.
“The half-witted bigots already resent us,” he complained. “I don’t know why. We went to a lot of effort installing those LBGT Pride Crosswalks. And if they defund us, they can forget about our float at next year’s Mardi Gras.”
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James Macpherson is a sought after international speaker with a background in journalism at the Courier Mail and Daily Telegraph. He previously pastored a significant church in Australia and South Africa. James' weekly Good Sauce podcast comes out every Tuesday. He also writes regularly for Caldron Pool & The Spectator.