It was revealed this week that Greens leader Adam Bandt had asked South Korea to impose tariffs on Australian goods as punishment for failure to set appropriate climate targets. If Bandt insists on using foreign governments to help implement his domestic policy agenda, one imagines it is only a matter of time before we read something like this …


GREENS leader Adam Bandt has urged the Chinese military to bomb private schools across Australia after failing to convince the federal government to cut their funding.

Mr Bandt was invited to address the Chinese Government via zoom on Tuesday from his eco-friendly headquarters in the Greens’ Enchanted Wood where money grows on trees and gender fairies make everyone gay. He used the opportunity to encourage China to wipe out private education in Australia.

The inner city far left activist told his Chinese comrades that he needed foreign help to implement his domestic agenda after Australians had repeatedly failed to vote for his policies.

“Arguing is difficult and time consuming,” he said. “It would just be a whole lot easier to yell ‘climate emergency’ – which we are really good at – as Chinese bombs reign down on private schools.”

He said he could see no other way to usher in his utopian dream of universal public education than a full scale Chinese military assault that turned Australian private schools into renewable dust.

“To help achieve the Greens vision of fair education for all, I need you to bomb private schools into oblivion,” he told Communist Party members. “This would ensure fairness since there would be nothing left for our government to fund but public schools.

“I prefer you use nukes but if you’ve got other really big bombs like the ones the North Koreans like to show off at their parades, well then that would be okay too.”

Around 33% of Australian children are enrolled in private schools.

Mr Bandt said that despite the Greens best efforts to portray private schools as being full of spoilt brats from wealthy homes of fundamentalist Christians who used revenue derived from the sale of fossil fuels to pay fees, they continued to receive government funding.

He said a quick check of twitter revealed that 128% of Australians hated private schooling.

Mr Bandt said he would provide the Chinese military with geographical co-ordinates of private schools in Australia to assist in their bombing raids.

He told Communist Party members: “If a few bombs happen to go astray and a hit coal fired power station, or a statue of white supremacist Captain Cook or even a sporting event where the racist Australian anthem is being played, we would be completely understanding. Actually, we’d be deliriously happy. Do it. Can you do it?”

The Greens leader assured Chinese officials that an attack on Australia would not cause a diplomatic incident.

“We’ll just say the blinding flashes of light that left smouldering ruins where private schools once stood were a result of Scott Morrison’s failure to deal with the climate emergency,” he said.

Before the Chinese could respond to Mr Bandt’s request, the Zoom call was suddenly cut off when the giant wind turbine powering his computer was hit by a flock of birds that died at the scene, causing Mr Bandt to burst into uncontrollable sobbing because his policies seemed to be working against each other.

James Macpherson is a sought after international speaker with a background in journalism at the Courier Mail and Daily Telegraph. He previously pastored a significant church in Australia and South Africa. James' weekly Good Sauce podcast comes out every Tuesday. He also writes regularly for The Spectator.

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