A bad year for Goodyear - James Macpherson

GREENS leader Adam Bandt has outlined his vision to make Australia completely reliant on renewable energy by 2030 in a plan entitled “Zero Emissions, Zero Votes”.

The bold plan to return Australia to a medieval period before Australia was even discovered was unveiled at the weekend to a gathering of all federal Greens MPs.

Mr Bandt, speaking in a broom cupboard to himself, said he believed Australia could have a zero emissions economy with full employment within a decade.

He also announced that trees could taste like chocolate and that pots of gold could be harvested from rainbows, before giving himself an enthusiastic round of applause.

“We could get to zero emissions within Australia and become a renewable energy super power,” he said, warning that the earth faced certain destruction from the Decepticons if action was not taken immediately.

“We’ve got to follow the science and what the science is telling us is that we are heading towards a cliff at 200km an hour strapped to a climate bomb that, during our children’s lifetime, will cause sea levels to rise by a couple of metres and our cities to go underwater.”

Mr Bandt later admitted “none of that was actual science but it’s very dramatic so it’s as good as science. No, actually it’s better than science”.

Opening the meeting up for questions, Mr Bandt asked what a renewable energy super power would look like, and replied: “Like a super power but with sunbeams.”

He responded to his answer to his question with squeals of delight.

When the crowd — by which we mean Mr Bandt — had calmed down, Mr Bandt warned that the weather was becoming more unpredictable due to climate change.

“And that is why it makes sense to rely entirely on energy that is dependent on the weather that is becoming more unpredictable due to climate change,” he said.

Mr Bandt dismissed concerns that solar power was unreliable.

He said he was confident that, with the right investment, technology to “get rid of cloudy days and to eliminate night time completely” could be developed.

“Think how many people we can employ to come up with solutions for things like that,” he said.

“A government I lead will tax businesses that produce actual things into oblivion in order to fund a massive public service working on hair-brained schemes such as I have just described. And don’t worry, I’ve plenty more where that came from.”

Mr Bandt urged all the Greens who had been voted into the Lower House at the last election, by which we mean himself, to ignore critics who said he would eventually run out of other people’s money to spend.

“When we run out of businesses to tax, we’ll just print our own money,” he said. “It’s worked out well for our comrades in Venezuela who, incidentally, have promised to print their own money to buy the sunlight we export.”

Mr Bandt said his “Zero Emissions, Zero Votes” plan would provide millions of new jobs that would result in full employment.

Jobs in the zero emissions economy would include candle makers, wood choppers, blacksmiths, cart makers, dairy maids, wind chime makers and basket weavers.

“And I think we all know a certain Greens senator who would make a fine court jester,” he said, prompting howls of laughter from himself that could be heard from outside the cupboard.

Mr Bandt dismissed fears that the society he envisaged would be ripe for conquest by an industrial super power, like China.

“You have to remember that we will be a renewable energy super power so it’s a case of one super power cancelling the other super power out,” he said. “It’s primary school math.”

The Greens leader said his plan would cost $250 billion over the next ten years.

“That’s not a lot of money when you consider we are saving the planet from a climate emergency,” he said.

When asked to put the amount in shekels — which would become the official currency under a Greens government — Mr Bandt promised himself he would get back to himself later in the day.

“I have set a decade-deadline to phase out cheap, reliable, abundant energy in order to avoid going over a cliff at which point global warming becomes almost as unstoppable as my defeat at the next election,” he said.

James Macpherson is a sought after international speaker with a background in journalism at the Courier Mail and Daily Telegraph. He previously pastored a significant church in Australia and South Africa. James' weekly Good Sauce podcast comes out every Tuesday. He also writes regularly for The Spectator.

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