COVID IS a clever little thing. For something that struggles to meet the definition of a ‘life-form’, the lab-grown virus certainly manages to show a great deal of discretion when it comes to where and when it strikes.
Most viruses are savages.
Unkempt, they wander the earth attacking everything they come across. Those lacking decorum hitchhike on rats and mosquitoes, debasing themselves and denigrating the entire ancient lineage.
Covid is the Dior of the viral world, doing the rounds – champagne flute in hand – at high class affairs like the G7 Summit.
Like Sylvester Stallone, Covid has had so much work done that not even its Wuhan parents recognise the latest Delta variant. The ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ strain has been more popular than its younger years as a culturally insensitive travel-addicted racist.
Lesson learned. You can be deadly, but never offensive.
Everyone is happy now that all Covid mood swings are named after Greek letters. The Greeks have been picked on since the Roman Empire so they’re hardly likely to kick up a fuss.
Actually, the key to being a good virus in 2021 seems to be the ability to obey a complex, inconsistent, contradictory, and arbitrary web of regulations.
Having perused human behaviour and consulted with its Communist gods, Covid has decided to comply with state-enforced curfews in order to re-enforce the important message of the ‘greater good’. Through its actions, it will be possible to bring all of humanity together under one benevolent global bureaucracy.
Honestly, we don’t deserve such selfless devotion.
No one is saying that Covid is the next saviour, but it has definitely got a little global cult going on the side. Between the Fauci limited edition merchandise and the initiation ‘arm selfie’ rites, there’s a lot to get excited about.
As a spiritual leader, Covid does its best to observe the rules of the religion.
If residents of Sydney and Melbourne are out walking in their neighbourhood within a 10km radius of their homes and before an arbitrary time set by the premier, Covid will respectfully wait. Like Communism’s drooling guard dog, Covid will only attack those residents who break the rules or ‘like’ Facebook posts that suggest that they might break the rules at a later date.
In addition to Covid’s impeccable timekeeping skills – seen as evidence of its inherent white supremacy by some – Covid has a preference for victims who stand while holding their drinks. As a consequence, Covid wanders through Australia’s pubs, hanging out at the bar where it latches onto anyone selfish enough to stand for more than a few moments after being handed their beverage.
The only way to be free of Covid’s clingy girlfriend behaviour is to take a seat. Sticky tables shared by the wider peasantry puts the virus off. There’s nothing less appetising than a diseased seated human. Besides, the human species is known to be at its most attractive when vertical, not scoffing food or morbidly intoxicated.
Covid is partial to a bit of politics.
According to its handlers in the government, Covid has been a frequent attendee at protests involving liberty, freedom, or events of national significance. It is so fond of ANZAC day that should the event ever be allowed to go ahead in the future, Covid has vowed to leap between the cockpits of fighter jets and parachute down – crowd surfing its way through the celebration.
That said, it has never been spotted at a “BlackLivesMatter”, Climate Change, or #MeToo rally. There’s just something about Marxism that puts it off. Perhaps traumatic memories from its country of birth? There has been no concrete evidence published on why Covid attends some rallies and not others.
Those in the government tasked with keeping an eye on Covid recently observed that its interests have expanded into the retail sector.
The virus now has the ability not only to differentiate between family businesses and big business – it can also tell which items are essential and non-essential inside the same shop. This incredible skill exists despite the government failing to publish an official definition of the word ‘essential’ – aside from clarification yesterday that shoes are most certainly not essential.
This level of retail prowess officially makes Covid smarter than most Millennials who, when asked to make their own sandwiches, either have to phone their mothers or phone an Uber-slave to deliver one.
Remember, if your non-essential purchases arrive via a series of third party people who then interact with hundreds of strangers throughout the day – everything is safe. If you buy your essential purchases yourself and speak to no one except a lonely pigeon, well, that’s just asking for it.
That’s not to say that Covid is a predator per se – it’s simply misunderstood. While some health officials remain alarmed by Covid attacking obedient citizens who have triple masked and had the mandated two jabs, the virus never agreed in writing the final number of required boosters to ensure that it ‘swipes left’ on the offering.
The thing is, Covid is only a tease. It is the shaky, barely competent warm-up act singing off-key, waiting for civilisation to take its seat.
When the main show takes the stage, Covid will fade into obscurity with the rest of its sniffling friends.
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Alexandra Marshall (@ellymelly on social media) is the host of "Curtain Call", a Good Sauce show exploring the leading personalities in the culture war. She writes on liberty, philosophy and geopolitics. You can find her on Twitter or read her articles over at her blog.
Elly is also an AI database designer for the retail industry, contributor to multiple online journals and a Young Ambassador with Australians for Constitutional Monarchy.
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