COMEDIAN Daniel Andrews is set to host a new reality TV show, “I’m a Victorian, Get Me Out of Here”.
The series, to air on the Ten Network, will feature a group of Victorians living together within Melbourne’s ring of steel, with few civil liberties.
Each member will undertake challenges to secure treats for the group and to avoid being arrested by police. The final episode’s votes will determine who is crowned “King or Queen of the Socialist Jungle”.
The winner will receive $100,000 to donate to pregnant Facebook poster Zoe Buhler’s legal costs, in addition to being personally reimbursed by the Federal Government for their participation.
TV insiders said the Ten Network had been inundated by would-be contestants, with 6.5 million Victorians applying to be part of the show when it was announced.
Daniel Andrews was said to be first choice to host the program after impressing producers with his stand-up routine as State Premier. They said:
“When he announced, straight faced, that golf would be banned for health reasons, we suspected we were dealing with a rare comedic talent.”
“But it was when he bungled hotel quarantine and then blamed the public for spreading the virus that we knew we just had to have him host our show. He’s a hoot!”
Chief Health Officer Brett Sutton and Police Commissioner Shane Patton will co-host, although there are rumors that Andrews has questioned their ability to stick to a script.
According to a Network Ten publicist, contestants will be completely isolated from the rest of Australia in a bleak, dystopian jungle that the State Labor government has been busy constructing since 2014.
Contestants will take part in daily trials that are completely pointless but test both physical and mental abilities.
“They will be separated from loved ones, forced to wear masks and harassed by police for virtually any reason and often for no reason whatsoever,” the publicist said.
“Some contestants will be locked in housing commission flats and forced to survive on barely edible meals left at their door while Greens MP Adam Bandt wanders around outside imagining contestants are dropping him notes.
“Every day they will be forced to watch Daniel Andrews and his co-hosts berate them for their bad behaviour while promising that things will improve if they are willing to debase themselves by give up just a few more of their freedoms.
“We predict it will be a riot – as in riotously funny. And then, when people realise this show is not happening anywhere else in the world, an actual riot.”
Throughout the show, additional contestants – called “intruders” – will enter the competition in a bid to break the spirit of the long-suffering Victorians.
They include TV personalities Magda Szubanski and Waleed Ali who will hector Victorians in condescending tones, as well as Assistant Police Commissioner Luke ‘I feel like a dog returning to its vomit’ Cornelius who will tell Victorians they are “batshit crazy” because he can.
She said that if contestants became overwhelmed by their situation they could leave the series by speaking the phrase, “I’m a Victorian: get me out of here!”
What contestants don’t know is that the only way they can actually get out of Victoria is if they die, or date an AFL footballer.
But the show’s producers are hoping to reach an agreement for either Pyongyang or Wuhan to take contestants who decide it’s all too much, one of whom said:
“We want to be able to relocate them somewhere that will be very familiar, but without quite so many of the hardships they are used to.”
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James Macpherson is a sought after international speaker with a background in journalism at the Courier Mail and Daily Telegraph. He previously pastored a significant church in Australia and South Africa. James' weekly Good Sauce podcast comes out every Tuesday. He also writes regularly for The Spectator.