PRESUMPTIVE ‘president-elect’ Joe Biden has had a fall, according to doctors at the White Falls Seniors Retirement Village in Newark, Delaware.

Senator Kamala Harris, flanked by three lawyers as she left the police station where she was asked for an alibi, was asked for a statement by reporters waiting outside. Smiling as sweetly she said:

“Doug and I send our thoughts and prayers to Joe’s family after his tragic fall on Saturday. We all know how hard it can be to watch our loved ones suffer, but that is why I believe we need stronger laws protecting the right for families to put their loved ones out of their suffering.


Joe was the bravest of campaigners who defeated an evil orange man unlike anything our nation had ever seen. He will live on in our heart of my administration as I lead the nation in the unity and healing he wanted for us all, except those who ever did anything to support the orange man bad.”

One of her lawyers covered his mouth to whisper inaudibly to Senator Harris momentarily, to which she was heard to reply:

“…What do you mean he’ll be fine? I’ve already picked the curtains!”

Mainstream media are reporting Joe Biden fractured his right foot after slipping while playing with his dog.

The Guardian claimed:

“President Joe Biden was playing energetically with his very masculine German Shepherd “Major” in the wild outdoors on Saturday when he slipped. He didn’t cry at all, but played on and on and on until the dog got tired first. Routine x-rays discovered the tiny fractures which would have made the bad Orange Man cry and demand a lollipop.”

CNN declared:

“Walking frames are all the rage this Winter with President Joe Biden setting trends in the cool accessory, sporting a fresh bright chrome look on his own model with sensible but stylish, rubber feet. People with a cervix are much less likely to be attracted to orange: the preferred colour of toxic masculinity.”

The New York Times, a former newspaper, offered:

“Super-human President Joe Biden astounded doctors at the weekend with his miraculous recovery after a rugged weekend with his lovable rescue dogs. After slipping he asked his dog if they were okay. The President has subsequently been nominated for the distinguished Nobel Peace Prize for his humanitarian compassion demonstrated by not assuming the younger German Shepherd’s gender.”

While campaigning to be the next American President, Senator Joe Biden frequently laughed off questions about his age:

“Come on, man! Here’s my doctor’s report. It says I’m ‘healthy, vigorous’, and fit enough to have some young kids stop feeling my leg hair long enough to lift it to Trump’s tuchus.”

Reporters were not allowed to see Biden entering the doctor’s office the day after his ‘slip’, but were able to clearly observe him limping as he left. Twitter immediately labelled all photographic & video evidence of Joe Biden limping as ‘disputed’ and offered links to doctors’ reports of President Biden’s unrivaled virility, horsemanship and rapport with kids.

Fractures are generally a concern as people age, but given the obvious disregard for the septuagenarian’s impaired cognitive abilities, the DNC believes any excuse will do when it’s time for Kamala to take over – as long as she has an alibi.

Honest political commentary & analysis

Here is where you'll find quality videos, podcasts & articles from some of the best independent voices in Australian politics and culture. Subscribe to get FREE weekly updates, uncensored, direct to your inbox today.

Success! Please check your inbox in a minute to finalise your subscription.