Putin opens up about Russia’s hundred year old secret

Russia hates to be upstaged by the United States. When the CIA recently released thousands of declassified UFO documents to the Black Vault, the media cogs inside Putin’s lifetime dictatorship churned into action.

Selling last century’s dusty secrets has become somewhat of a game to the world’s super powers. Slipping the odd jaw-dropper to the press allows their leaders to dominate the global conversation without declaring an expensive war. There are plenty of whispers on offer, and Russia’s vaults go deeper than anyone else’s.

Like a dying whale announcing its demise, the United States has been hurling previously coveted military secrets onto the web. Most go unreported, or if they are picked up, they have trouble surviving two hours into a twenty-four hour news cycle. This proves the suspicion that humans are a generally disinterested, difficult to impress species with a short attention span. Even the CIA’s UFO files have barely survived beyond the first few Guardian articles.

Putin remains undeterred, this morning announcing that there is a pending announcement regarding the Siberian Deep River Files.

Over a hundred years ago, Russia was happy to let the world work themselves up into a conspiracy theory spin about 1908’s Tunguska meteorite impact because it concealed another incident in nearby Vanavara.

Five months before the world got itself distracted by the Tunguska explosion, three fisherman were dragging sleds along the mostly frozen Tunguska River in an unnamed part of the wilderness when one of the men broke the blade clean off, smashing the wooden sled to pieces. It had caught on a metallic protrusion in the ice. The fishermen thought this was an old sword from a forgotten war. When they attempted to dig it out, they discovered that the metal point was part of a much larger structure submerged in the river.

The incident was reported to the Tsar, but Nicholas II had bigger problems. A small group of interested parties within the government sent secret teams out to investigate the site. Publicly, this is where the story ends. The fishermen were never able to be reached for comment after disappearing in a blizzard, while the Tsar’s team all died or went missing in action during the Great War. By the time Vanavara was properly settled in 1932, there was no sign of their discovery.

The Siberian Deep River Files were shuffled to the bottom of the ‘really weird’ pile as two wars reshaped Russia.

This would have been the end of the story if not for Xi Jinping selling a high valued item back to Putin at the end of 2020 under the cover of Covid. The unlisted item was said to be a piece of military wreckage that had found its way into Chinese airspace and crashed into a field of solar panels, destroying a third of the Solar Plant. No satellite evidence was found to back up this claim. Instead, aids close to Putin have informed the press that this was an item stolen from a Russian storehouse during the war, listed only as, ‘Siberian Deep Lake’.

While no one can confirm that the object, which weighs at least as much as an armoured tank, is actually an extra-terrestrial spacecraft – there are reports within the Communist Party of China of preserved organic material being extracted from the item, ground down along with the desiccated wings of a Wuhan Horseshoe bat, and sold on the black market as ‘Space Monkey Extra Long Good Times’, available in powdered form.

Putin is due to speak later today at 8:15am (Moscow time).

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