WHITE young people who stole flat screen televisions from an electrical store during recent Black Lives Matter protests will be charged with theft for having dreadlocks.
Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot said cultural appropriation was a serious crime for which the city had zero tolerance.
“White looters found with dreadlocks will be charged,” she warned. “That hair style is not theirs to take.
“Cultural appropriation is more damaging than looting, because property can be replaced, but your identity can’t.”
She said police would use CCTV footage to identify white looters who were listening to rap music while ransacking an Apple store.
“You don’t see black looters listening to country music, do you?” an enraged Mayor told local media.
“So what gives white rioters the idea that they can take iphones and ipads and laptops in a smash-and-grab while listening to music that doesn’t belong to them?”
BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors-Me-Crazy scoffed at business owners who complained that looters should be charged for stealing property.
“Hey, it’s only stuff,“ Ms Cullors-Me-Crazy said, before telling a crowd of angry protestors: “The source of all social disorder is inequality of stuff!”
Ms Cullors-Me-Crazy urged police to do more to stop white protestors calling each the N-word while setting fire to local businesses.
“People should not be allowed to use hurty words while smashing up the town,” she said.
“And besides, these white rioters wouldn’t even know the N-word if they hadn’t been listening to our music in the first place.”
She was particularly critical of protestors who used the wrong pronoun for a transgendered woman they pelted with rocks for wearing a MAGA hat.
“It was clearly wrong to yell ‘kill him’. The correct pronoun was ‘her’. And if they were unsure, they should have screamed ‘kill the bastard’,” Ms Cullors-Me-Crazy said.
“Let me be absolutely clear – ascribing the wrong pronoun to the person you are beating unconscious is a microaggression that the Black Lives Matter movement does not endorse.”
Mayor Lightfoot urged arsonists to find appropriate, culturally sensitive words to shout while burning the city to the ground.
She said “fk the police”, “defund the police” or “death to America” were good options.
“What we will not tolerate are those people who beat small business owners with lumps of timber or who throw molotov cocktails at police cars whilst saying nothing,” she said. “Silence is violence.”
Meanwhile, claims that damage in Kenosha was done by people from outside the community have been confirmed by police who arrested rioters from 44 different cities.
Local Democrats were delighted at the news, explaining to local residents cowering in their homes, “Diversity is our strength!”
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James Macpherson is a sought after international speaker with a background in journalism at the Courier Mail and Daily Telegraph. He previously pastored a significant church in Australia and South Africa. James' weekly Good Sauce podcast comes out every Tuesday. He also writes regularly for Caldron Pool & The Spectator.