Drongo alert: This article may contain traces of satire and sarcasm. Quotes that bear any resemblance to real life should be taken as evidence of how silly things have now become.
THE World Health Organisation (WHO) has issued advice that yellow face masks are 99 percent more effective at stopping the spread of Covid-19 than blue face masks.
Yellow face masks were thought to more closely mirror the sun and so would strengthen the immune system of people wearing them, a WHO spokeswoman told a UN meeting in Geneva yesterday.
She said clinical trials were continuing but, in the interests of safety, governments should immediately promote the use of yellow coloured masks.
The Victorian Government reacted swiftly to the news, making yellow masks mandatory, except when sleeping or when marching shoulder to shoulder with comrades in support of approved social justice causes.
Victoria Commissar Dan Andrews announced that police would be authorised to issue on-the-spot fines to anyone found wearing a blue mask after midnight tonight.
And people posting photos of themselves on social media wearing any mask other than yellow would be subject to arrest.
He refused to engage with journalists who questioned how the colour of a mask could halt the spread of the virus.
“I’m just not in the business of ignoring advice, or shopping around for advice that suits me,” Chairman Dan told reporters.
“If the medical experts say we should wear yellow, then that’s what Victorians will be doing from now on.”
The State’s Chief Health Officer explained Victorians faced a grim choice.
“Continuing to wear blue masks risks the virus spreading still further,” he said. “If we wait for more evidence before switching to yellow, it will be too late.”
“All of our experts advise us this is what must be done, and that it will be effective because science.”
Shopping centres were immediately inundated with people scrambling to purchase yellow face masks, with police called to break up fights in several stores.
Supermarkets announced limits of two yellow masks per customer.
Melbourne resident Ima Sheeple said she was happy to wear a yellow mask.
“If wearing a yellow mask protects just one person, then it’s worth it. It’s not like we’ll be wearing them forever,” she said.
“We have already been banned from leaving our homes, visiting dying relatives and going to work, so wearing a yellow mask is nothing.”
Editor’s note. Within five minutes of this article going to print the WHO updated their advice and are now recommending people wear corduroy masks, regardless of colour, to stop the spread of the virus.
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James Macpherson is a sought after international speaker with a background in journalism at the Courier Mail and Daily Telegraph. He previously pastored a significant church in Australia and South Africa. James' weekly Good Sauce podcast comes out every Tuesday. He also writes regularly for The Spectator.